Another year has passed without our beautiful boy…

Another year has passed without our beautiful boy…

Peyton

I fall asleep and wake up every day thinking and missing Peyton’s smile, laugh, jokes, hugs,
conversations and every quirky thing he ever said or did.

I do this every day, but this time of year always feels different...

If you can you imagine watching a calendar like it’s a countdown, that’s how Jen and I feel as June comes around. When school is almost out and the track & field state meet is just around the corner, we start to relive each moment that lead up to the death of our son.

I can remember every moment of Peyton's last day with us. I can remember him quickly jumping out of bed to give his Mama a kiss goodnight and telling her he loved her. And I can remember Peyton laying in bed as I turned off his bedroom lights and saying “I love you Daddy” and me saying “I love you too baby”.

I can also remember every moment of the morning we found him...

For the longest time I had trouble going places or doing things that I would have done with Peyton. I just felt so guilty doing things without him. Knowing that I will be a father to another little boy has created a whole new storm of emotions. Can you imagine thinking of doing any of those things with another child? Believe me, it can make you think your mind is ripping apart.

Getting excited and then feeling guilty about that joy has almost been more than I can handle. It really is a struggle. I think any parent would struggle, there really aren't many handbooks on how to handle this stuff.

I have worked hard to figure out how I can exist with both my grief for losing Peyton and the joy for my baby to be. It’s been tough to get to this thought, but I don’t think they have to be dependent upon each other. I don’t think that me being happy and excited to see this baby takes away anything from how much I miss and love Peyton.

Our family

Man, believe me, it has not been easy to get to this point…

I continue to write about and post pictures of Peyton each day because even when some of those memories make me cry they also bring a smile to my face. I can picture our boy joking with us or with his friends. I can clearly remember all the times we picked him up from school and him telling us all the trouble he got into before telling us all the good things he had done (he loved to get the "bad stuff" out first). I can remember him talking about girls and sock hops and how much he loved being with his friends. I can remember how Peyton would tell us every person in his class and where they were currently seated (and how many times they had been moved and why – including himself). I can remember all the talks we had about sports. I can remember helping him with homework and studying for tests. I can remember so many moments that I walked in to find Peyton and his Mama deep in conversations about music, movies, girls and friends. I remember Peyton jumping in our bed in the middle of the night when he had a nightmare and holding him tight while telling him everything would be okay…

I remember our last few weeks together. I remember our last weekend together. And I remember our last day together. I don’t think we wasted a moment, but we weren’t with him the whole time either. Peyton had his own friends, his own dreams, his own life…

Sometimes I forget that others miss our boy too.

This year I received a copy of an essay that a younger brother of one of Peyton’s friends wrote. He wrote about looking up to Peyton. He thought of Peyton as a hero. A few days ago I received a text from the mother of one of Peyton’s friends. He had made a book for school and dedicated it to Peyton. I continue to run with and coach some of Peyton’s friends and they remind me very often of how much they miss their buddy P…

My boy

I know very well that Peyton’s aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents miss him too. It’s hard for
them to put into words how they miss Peyton and how bad they feel because they are usually trying to be careful with their own grief when they are with us. We might not be able to put it into words, but we understand.

Our friends continue to amaze us with their support and the way they rally to keep Peyton’s memory alive. Helping us with Peyton’s Race, honoring P with awards at his school, track team and with the running club. Sometimes it’s hard for us to tell everyone how we feel, but all those things mean so much to us. Jen and I are so very proud of the way our boy touched so many lives.

My everything...

I try my best to smile and laugh when I‘m with all my family and friends. Just like Peyton, it makes us feel good to see others smile too. I share a lot (maybe way too much), but I don’t want to share every dark moment that I have. The truth is that sometimes I have to pull my car over because the tears are just too much. But it’s just not fair to put that on other people. These are my moments and I know they are the result of my love and my grief. Peyton was the love of my life and losing someone you love so deeply comes with a high cost and that is just a fact…

So we start another year, another countdown. Things will be different this time next year for sure. We will be sharing our love and life with Peyton’s little brother. There is no doubt that we will love this little baby, no doubt at all. And there is no doubt that we will continue to miss and love Peyton, no doubt at all…

Noah Moore (Peyton's Dad)

www.facebook.com/PJMmemoriesPage
www.RUN4P.com